The Gentle Lifestyle

Now more than ever, we need to eat, work, and act with a more gentle approach.

Now more than ever we need to approach our lives with a gentler approach. This means we need to be kind to ourselves and each other, and as much as possible, even-tempered. It also means we should act in ways that are more moderate.

"Everything in moderation, including moderation." - Oscar Wilde

Some of us are heading into work every day as essential workers. The rest of us are home - working (or looking for new work), homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. However, around the world, that which is "normal" no longer exists. We are living collectively, across the globe, with uncertainty caused by a virus that is leaving us all anxious and worried. One of the most effective and helpful ways we can navigate through this uncertainty (and for many, pain and grief) is to be more gentle. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other. While we may feel the need to overproduce and do something meaningful and profound, now may not be the time to be Superman or Superwoman.

This will not be easy for some of us. I am going to admit that within the first week of social distancing and self-isolation, I created a schedule for triathlon training, finishing my book, and starting a new business. I signed up for Masterclass and three different on-line Yoga programs. It is not surprising that at the end of week 3, I was exhausted and with little to show for it. It is clear that this is not the right lifestyle approach given the state of the world. According to Chris Bailey, a productivity consultant and the author of Hyperfocus: How to Manage your Attention in a World of Distraction "It's tough enough to be productive in the best of times let alone when we're in a global crisis." (NYT, April 5, 2020).

How you live your life now and how you guide and lead your family through this crisis will determine your resiliency for when we can return to what we might call our "normal" lives. If we want to come out of this healthy, injury-free, with a clear and focused mind, then gentle is how we need to live now. The following are recommendations for how to live more gently throughout your day: Take up biking, but you don't need to train for a triathlon; take a writing workshop, but you don't need to write the next Great Novel; and prepare meals that nurture your health but are simple to make and are enjoyed by the whole family.

Five ways to live the "gentle life"

1. Food: Eat gentle foods

This is a time to prepare healthy meals that are not too complex and that are enjoyed by the whole family. I am inspired by Christina Chaey's #gentlefoods campaign where she emphasizes, "...things like eggs (not the crispy ones fried in olive oil—too aggressive for me right now), simple clear soups with wilted greens and dumplings, bean stew, poached fish. They’re simple, nutritious and intuitive." While you may feel you deserve to eat rich, greasy, starchy, sweet food throughout your day (this quarantine is only temporary, right?), you know this will make you feel worse. The last thing you want to do is end up on the other side of social isolation feeling bloated, ten pounds heavier, and agitated. On the other hand, fasting and cleansing might not be the right approach either. You need to maintain a high level of focus and sustained levels of energy during this time. Some of you are working from home full time and homeschooling your children. Others are essential workers, operating our city systems and helping others who are sick. You need energy and nourishment and the psychological and physical side effects of a cleanse may not be a good idea while the body and mind are in a heightened state of agitation.

2. Exercise: Move to manage stress and spend time with your family

We all know that exercise is a great way to mitigate stress and anxiety. We all should be scheduling time during the day to move. If you area already a runner or cross-fit athlete, then you should continue to maintain your current workout schedule. You could also decide to reduce or increase the intensity a bit if that feels right. If you do not currently have a work-out routine, it makes a lot more sense to start slow. In fact, think less about starting a daily exercise routine and more of a movement ritual. If you are home with children, this can take the form of playing tag in the yard, throwing a frisbee in the park, or shooting hoops. A family walk in the evening is a great way to decompress after a hectic work-from-home / homeschool session.

Still, many of you will set rigorous and ambitious exercise "pandemic time" goals. If this helps you gain focus and structure for the day, then setting one big exercise goal is probably a good thing, just take it slow as you don't want to end up injured or in the emergency room (our doctors and nurses need all their energy for the sick and COVID-19 cases). If you are setting ambitious exercise goals to lose weight, you may want to think again. More studies are showing that exercise won't help you lose that much weight. In 2016, Vox's Show me the Evidence installment on exercise and weight outlined over ten reasons why exercise does not lead to weight loss. In the article, Julia Belluzand and Christophe Haubursin conclude after reading and reviewing over sixty studies that "exercise is excellent for health; it’s just not that important for weight loss. So don't expect to lose a lot of weight by ramping up physical activity alone". (Vox, 2016). You are better off finding ways to move throughout the day that leave your energized (and not sore) to manage your stress, keep depression at bay, and to enjoy time with your family!

3. Work: Show up every day

Work is one area that might look quite different for many of us. But whether you are working the front lines, with the added risk of being exposed to Coronovirus, or you are home trying to work a full day and home school your children, you are undoubtedly going to be more overwhelmed than before the pandemic. These feelings of being overwhelmed can spiral into unhealthy eating and drinking habits which further cause depression and other physical problems. There are a few things you can do to keep it gentle at work.

a) Don't worry about perfection at this time. Show up every day and write down three tasks that need to get done that day. Do them. Done. Getting tasks done, even if they are not your best work, will give you the feeling of accomplishment setting in motion the cycle of productivity.

b) If your work has slowed down or you have lost your job, adding some professional development to your day can be a smart way to thrive once life returns to "normal." If your job requires you to do a lot of writing, you can take courses to improve your style or voice. If you are an executive or leader you can engage an executive coach to improve your leadership skills.

c) Communicate often! People, including bosses and staff, respond well to clear, transparent, and consistent communication. Let your boss know how you are feeling and if you need to reduce your workload during the pandemic to maintain the quality of your work. She/he will appreciate your honesty and commitment to the company's image. If you are a manager or owner and lead a team of employees make sure you provide psychological safety into the workplace, especially during more trying times. Psychological safety has been shown to increase employee input, engagement, and learning that are important for company success, especially during complex and turbulent times (Edmonson, 2019). Make sure they are managing their stress and taking personal time to maintain a clear mind and sharp focus.

4. Connect with Nature:

Our favorite stores are closed, restaurants are only serving take-out and delivery, and you're not allowed into the office. But most parks are still open as are natural preserves, wilderness areas, and some beaches. It's important to get out of your home. And, if and when you do, head into nature. We all know that nature is good for us. Trees provide the oxygen we need to breath and without bees we would not have flowers or the fruits and vegetables that we eat. Nature also reduces stress, makes us sharper and more focused, and eases depression (Hunter et.al, 2019). A recent study confirmed that taking a trip into nature is positively associated with general health and wellbeing (White el al., 2019). It is important to include nature-time in your daily routine. And, during more stressful times in your life (like say, a pandemic), it is critical to increase the dose. Nature, like food, is medicine. But, unlike medicine, there are no negative side effects and for the most part, is free! Not everyone has access to hundreds of miles of forest trails, but everyone can have access to nature. Below are ten ways to bring more nature into your life. Many of these can become part of family time together during a lunch or evening break.

- Go for a hike at a nature preserve or wildlife park

- Take a walk, read a book, or visit a friend (maintaining social distancing) to a regional or city park

- Take a bike ride along a greenway

- Walk around your neighborhood taking note of the spring blooms

- Plant a small flower, herb or vegetable garden

- Meditate in a garden, backyard, or park (I highly recommend the book, Awake in the Wild, Mindfulness in Nature as a Path to Self-Discovery by Mark Coleman)

- Put a few houseplants around your home desk or where you spend some time alone during the day

- Post pictures of nature and wilderness around your work area

- Watch nature programs set in natural and wilderness settings (not the real thing but studies show that watching nature programming can increase wellbeing associated with the feeling of living life with purpose) (Martin et.al., 2020).

5. Relationships: Create boundaries, roles and rituals

Perhaps this last category is the most important of them all; we must be gentler in our relationships. Many of us are isolating in our homes with our partners and children. In an interview with New Yorker writer, Rachel Syme the therapist, author and podcast host Esther Perel states that "If we want to look at the challenges of communication, of sexuality, of desire, of conflict in relationships, this is such a Petri-dish moment." It is important to acknowledge that this lockdown is difficult for relationships and that you are not alone if you are feeling particularly challenged by your partner or children. Couples and family therapy are always a great idea if you feel you need a little extra counsel to get you through this time. There are many free services available online. Below are 3 strategies that can be worked into your home life that can help you all be gentler with each other during this stressful time.

Boundaries: Space and time:

Everyone in the family should have their own physical space that they can call their own. Some of you are living in three bedroom detached homes with plenty of space. Others are cramped in small, city apartments. But there are always ways to carve out an area that is just for you. A chair in a corner of your bedroom can be a place where you can go to read or check your emails. Let your family know that if you are in your room and sitting in your chair that you are not to be disturbed. If you have more space, it is best if everyone has their own desk for work and school. If you have young children, you may need to be within sight, but having your own desk provides some separation and may prevent children from interrupting you every minute.

Schedule time for you every day. This might seem impossible if you are the one doing most of the cooking, cleaning, homeschooling and carrying a full-time job (according to a recent NYT survey, this is more often the woman in the household). But you need to do this to preserve your mental health. Can you wake up an hour earlier then your family and read a book, write in a journal or go for a walk? Or maybe there is a way to take 15 minutes during a mid-morning, lunch and mid-afternoon break while the children are preoccupied with schoolwork, snack, lunch or yes, screen time. Set a timer and let your family know that you are not to be disturbed until that alarm goes off! Figure out what works for you and then schedule a family meeting to communicate your needs. Family meetings are a great way to ensure that everyone is listening and provides a safe space for family input.

Roles:

Clear, defined roles are important and will reduce the amount of fighting with your partner and children. Decide who is going to be responsible for what and when. Write it down. Enforce it! There are plenty of chores that young children can participate in from helping to fold laundry to feeding the cat. If you are the cook in the family, ask your partner or older child to be in charge of washing the dishes and emptying the dishwasher. Set up one morning a week for the family to come together and clean the house or apartment. It will go faster if everyone participates. Put on some music and maybe it even becomes a fun ritual (more about that below) that continues past COVID lockdown.

Rituals:

Setting up pandemic rituals can be a fun way to ease tensions in the household. You should have rituals you set for yourself (I have one friend who meditates every morning in her vegetable garden) and rituals that you set up with your family. There should be daily rituals but also rituals that are saved for the weekend or for weekly treats (like desert or breakfast for dinner nights). Schedule a weekly date with your partner. If your children are older this can be a weekly walk when you can check-in with each other. Or, maybe a weekly nigh-time movie after the kids are asleep. If you are struggling to keep your kids (and yourself) off screens, then set up a time during the day when everyone can sit around and stare at their phones! Set a timer and when time is up, everyone can move on to the next thing. By setting up a time when everyone is encouraged to use their phones, they may be less likely to jump on them during other parts of the day or resent you when you take it away.

Summary:

It takes work to set up a more-gentle lifestyle during this uncertain and stressful time. Many of us operate in extremes - we must do more, and it must be perfect. And, we set these expectations for those around us - our employees, friends and family. Fighting against our fast-paced tendencies can difficult, but they probably won't serve you and will certainly put strain on your family who you are sharing so much time and space with. Give the gentle lifestyle a try: be mindful before speaking, moving and eating. Slow down. Listen to your body. Who knows, a more gently lifestyle might be something you carry with you even after we all go back to that which is "normal."

Sources:

Belluz, Julia and Christophe Haubursin. "The Science is In: Exercise Won't Help You Lose Much Weight." VOX, 2 January. 2020

Edmondson, Amy C. The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation and Growth. Hoboken, N: Wiley, 2019.

Hunter, MaryCarol et. al., "Urban Nature Experiences Reduce Stress in the Context of Daily Life Based on Salivary Biomarkers". Frontiers in Psychology. 2019; 10 DOI:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00722

Lorenz, Taylor. Stop "Trying to be Productive." The New York Times. 1 April. 2020

Martin, Leanne et. al. “Nature contact, nature connectedness and associations with health, wellbeing and pro-environmental behaviors.” Journal of Environmental Psychology. 68 (2020)

Syme, Rachel. "This is What Happens to Couples Under Stress": An Interview with Esther Perel. The New Yorker. 5 May. 2020. https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-new-yorker-interview/this-is-what-happens-to-couples-under-stress-an-interview-with-esther-perel

White, M.P. et. al. "Spending at least 20 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing." Scientific Reports, 9(1), 7730

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